Relationsplace

You may wonder why therapists and psychologists are often so interested in what happened to you in your past. After all, that was many years ago and you’re obviously not the same person that you were back then. So what’s the big deal about reliving those painful past events?

Here’s why these past events are important.  Let’s say you were my client. It isn’t necessarily what happened to you that I’m interested in.  Instead, it’s the coping skills you developed in response to those events that I’m trying to discover.  Those coping skills will have an effect on any romantic relationship you enter…. guaranteed.

Here are a couple of examples:

Some people have parents who were violent. While growing up they learned to cope by becoming peacemakers. As a result, they never argue…..ever.  They do almost anything to avoid conflict.  In a relationship, sometimes arguing is good. Always avoiding conflict can truly become a problem. You can’t really have a passionate relationship without some disagreements. Others experienced rejection multiple times.

To cope with that pain, they became guarded. As an adult, they are extremely selective who they date to prevent anyone from rejecting them again. In fact, they are often so afraid of being rejected that they seek constant reassurance. This pattern often causes them to be rejected again by their partner who ends up feeling that they are “too needy.”  I could list dozens of ways men and women learn to cope with painful circumstances from their past. These are ways of coping which is why they are called Coping Skills.

What’s important is that you know what your coping skills are and how they affect you in a relationship.  If you don’t know these key details about yourself, you’ll most likely be the type of person that thinks, “If I just meet the right person, everything will be fine in my life.” I promise you, regardless of who you date or marry; the Coping Skills you learned growing up will be exposed in a relationship. However, if you are aware of your Coping Skills, then you can change them.

This is how a woman can transform her relationships. If you’re not sure where to start, you can begin with free online articles. The Internet is full of helpful tips that don’t cost a thing.

To get more in-depth insights, you could also buy a book that will provide you with detailed information on how to transform yourself and your relationships. After working with couples and individuals for years, I wrote The Woman Men Adore as a way of showing women how to become aware of their coping skills and replace them with new tools and skills that are captivating to men.

Of course, there are many other fine books out there besides mine. John Gray, Dr. Phil and a host of others have written popular books that have proven to be very helpful to millions of men and women.

Finally, for the fastest changes, find a professional to work with. It may cost more, but the results are often much faster than trying to do it on your own. Sometimes all that is needed is one or two insights to dramatically change your future.

Bob Grant
Author of The Woman Men Adore